~bohemian rhapsody~

November 4th, 2006

It feels a little like skipping ahead to read the end of the story, and a little meta- as it is set here at MacDowell, but I can’t stop myself from working on the last chapter. I was inspired by a scene in the main hall last night, of Mary R, slinking across the main hall in her cartoonish way, both wiggly and angular, to an epic rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody while holding my gaze, and couldn’t stop myself…I am experiencing bohemian rhapsody.

Plus I’m feeling a desire for a break from all the bummer stuff. I was writing through the back injury and BAVC and the mire of spiritual crisis just slogging through it to get it out and over with, which clearly is not the way. I found my mind wandering. Then I thought, maybe you should write about all your exs and how you never really revealed yourself to them because of your fear and some subtle form of self-hatred. And inexplicably! I found myself working on the last chapter, the HOORAY chapter, the happy ending.

At the last minute I decided not to bring any books with me, that I would use the library here and see what came to my open hand. I am currently reading three books, all memoirs, two written here.
A new friend here, I think in a gesture of gratitude for my repeated encouragements that the voices that are haunting her, the fear and resistance to being here, will pass, lent me Truth and Beauty by Ann Patchett, about her friendship with author, Lucy Grealy. I am struck by how compelling Lucy is as a character, overshadowing Ann (in the first chapter anyway) the way she did in life. I want Lilly to be compelling in that way, I fear I will overshadow her, though I know I am simply in the memoir phase of the writing, and have figured it would be a while before I started to shape our dance, figure out how we fit.

I find I am now wondering about her voice. I will start listening for it.

In the morning I read aloud from the pages from the day before, I am always reading aloud, sounding it out. Nearly every day a group of seven deer slowly nibble their way across my meadow. If I sit very quietly, they will walk right up to my window, where the grass is apparently the most delicious. The contrast between the backward bending stiltish legs and gentle narrow heads and their long, bright fluffy tails is wonderful to me, somehow endearing. Sometimes the head deer hears me read and he (I assume) raises his head, ears pricked, and stares right into my eyes, determining whether to signal for them to lift those tails and bound back into the forest.
Is this the real life, is this just fantasy…

nofear.jpg

2 Responses to “~bohemian rhapsody~”

  1. noria says:

    I love the image of you in my head, waiting for the moon to reveal herself, as you reveal yourself, and are revealed by the moonlight in the meadow.

  2. Habib says:

    Maybe the deer are coming to the meadow to hear your stories, fluffy-tailed eavesdroppers.

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